i think i will become a professional tub-reader

12/8

"You weren't always awful, Holly." He gave her an amused smile. "Anyway, that's what brothers and sisters are for, to make each other's lives as difficult as possible for each other as they grow up. It forms a great basis for life, toughens you up. Anyway, I was the bossy older brother..

"So how does that make me thoughtful?" Holly asked, feeling she had completely missed the point.

"...you always came back," Richard continued. "You would always creep back into my room silently and watch me working at my desk, and I knew that was your way of saying sorry." He smiled at her. "So that makes you thoughtful. None of our siblings had a conscience in that house of ours. Not even me. You were the only one, always the sensitive one."

-P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern

11/30

Time.

I'd like to invent a time machine,

and take us back to this moment.

Maybe then we'd all remember

 that we're all each other will ever have,

and scary things wouldn't seem so scary anymore.

Pretty Woman.

"I'm actually no, I'm not a planner. I wouldn't say I'm a planner.

 I would say I'm a kinda fly by the seat of my pants gal. You know moment to moment, yeah that's me.." 

-Vivian

Lately.

I haven't shown appreciation for my favorite things lately,

This needs to change immediately.

First:

Remind Bon Jovi that their music comes straight from the heavens.

Second:

Escape to my bed for days in order to finish a book about circuses, wizards, assassins, vampires, young love, old love, fairies & trolls,

 children that don't grow up, and many more wonderful things.

Third:

Take more pictures.

Fourth:

Blow my headphones out. 

Fifth:

Share some hot cocoa with my best bud.

I should be back to normal in no time. :)

Asian.

I promise, PINKY promise, I will adopt an asian baby.

Captain.

i miss you.

18

T-minus 15 days

I will be eighteen, How do I feel about this? Now thats a good question. I never thought a birthday would bring such emotions. I'm only turning eighteen, so why should it be a problem? 

"officially an adult" What does that even mean? I have to pay more bills, I can go to jail, I could move out, I could go pierce my ears by myself, I can go to clubs, I can be a big kid! But do I even want all of that?

I don't know.

Being grown up is a lot harder than I even thought it was going to be, and I'm not even all the way growed up yet,  I dont want to grow up. Part of me wants to stay Seventeen Forever, cliche yet true. I still need time to be a kid. I don't want to worry about the stresses adults face, I face enough as a child.
I still want to do stupid things, make mistakes, grow, mess up, mess around, laugh, sing, dance. I want to stay naive. I definitely don't think I've done enough of that. To worried about staying alive, that living hasn't happened, and I just want to stay seventeen a little longer so I can experience life.
Is that too much to ask?

But just because I'm going to be eighteen doesnt mean I can't still be a kid, right?

lets hope so.

NotNow.

Not Now Blink 182 Come here, please hold my hand for now Help me, I'm scared please show me how to fight this, God has a master plan And I guess I am in his demand Please save me this time I cannot run And I'll see you when this is done And now I have come to realize That you are the one who's left behind Please stay until I'm gone I'm here hold on to me I'm right here Waiting I see, a light it feels good And I'll come back soon just like you would It's useless, my name has made the list And I wish, I gave you one last kiss Please stay until I'm gone I'm here hold on to me I'm right here Waiting and take My one last breath, and don't forget That I will be right here Waiting

sometimes music is the only thing that makes sense

Worst.

Worst. Week. Ever.

I really need something good to happen.

mistake.

I made a very big mistake today,

a mistake that haunted every minute of the past 24 hours.

I woke up.

6:30 a.m.

My alarm buzzed, 

and I hit snooze.

Twice.

I should have listened to my tired achy body when it told me to stay in my cozy warm sheets

but instead I listened to my mama.

I was tardy to first period

hammered by my mistakes

yelled at for my "disobedience"

and still dealing with a tired achy body.

by ten o'clock I was ready to just disappear from reality and float into my own world 

where everything went my way.

However, the day had only just begun

and my trials were gonna throw themselves at me as hard and fast as they could.

Positivity has always been my goal attitude

so with every opportunity I tried to find light.

Though, today, the universe did not accept my efforts.

"don't be so hard on yourself"

this is something I hear quite often

Perhaps I should accept this advice,

but how do you do something you've never done before?

Eventually the sun always sets

And I always try to send my troubles with it

So maybe with some food, some sleep, and a little love

tomorrow's morning sun will bring with it a better day.

Trying.

Trying to do my best
Trying to be my best
Trying to make the right decisions
Trying to only look up
Trying to follow the plan thats been laid for me
Trying to not rush into things
Trying to not stress myself out
Trying to move forward


I'm just trying to take it one day at a time
But its a hell of a lot harder than it sounds
And I don't want to do it alone

9/14

Lets 
just
say


things 
can 
get


a
little
crazy 

Brilliant.

That's all I have to say.

1/100

Book #1

completed 9/14/11

9/3

So many times 

I think about

 the wonderful difference

 you've made 

in my life.

I really miss you.

Lil' Bro

This Kid..

My bestest buddy ever.

Ever since Jesse was in my mommy's tummy, hes been my best friend. We've taken care of each other our whole entire lives. Mostly I've been the big sister, but the past couple years he has really grown up. He looks after me more then I do him. I admit, at times I have taken it for granted to have such an amazing little guy in my life, but today as we sat in seminary, it being his second day in high school, I really realized how lucky I am to have Jess in my life. It is a miracle that he lived through the first year of his fragile life, but to have him stick with me even when I am the biggest brat really means something. He was meant to live his life if not solely for the reason to remind me of how beautiful life is. He has such a zest for life that inspires me to live every moment with passion. He is such an amazing person, the very best of friend, and honestly a firm foundation and reminder of who I am. Even though he is taller than me, a little wiser than me, and looks out for me all the time, he will always be my little Jesse bug, my best friend, and I am so grateful for that.

I kan reed good:)

New Goal:

Read 100 Books

10:46 AM

8/11

It all makes perfect sense.
Until I say it out loud.
Then it gets lost in the confusion of my emotions.
I don't understand.

My Problem.

Do you want to know what my problem is?

I love you.

I love your name.

I love the way you look at me.

I love your gorgeous smile.

I love the way I can be having the worst day of my life,

and seeing you completely changes my mood.

That's my problem.

Warped '11

I've been to shows before, but nothing like this.

On my cousins shoulders, overlooking the huge crowd loosing themselves in the music.

BEST FEELING EVER.

Kole and I, spending all day in the sun listening to set after set of non-stop music. 

It was awesome to see him, especially cause he just got back from basic training.

I've always enjoyed hanging out with my cousin. 

Probably one of those days I will never forget.

I love the drums beating through my chest. 

The guitar ripping through chords.

The beautiful voices that give me chills, even in the baking sun.

The energy from the crowd that is literally moving not just your body, but your soul.

No words could describe the smile on my face.

Only those who have experienced it can understand.

Call me a crazy, but Warped Tour was amazing.

Tandem.

To Do List Number 25:

Ride a Tandem Bike

As Brittani and I were standing outside the institute building, hesitating to leave EFY, two gentlemen  rode up on their tandem bike. Of course we freaked out. The boys were kind enough to offer us a ride on the bike, and we excitedly accepted the offer.

Brittani and I weren't actually able to get the bike going, we had to have our man friends help us out. 

We each took turns being the back passenger, which was fine with me.

The two minutes I was actually riding the bike was so much fun. Everything I imagined it being. It was like I was flying! Which totally summed up the week I had. 

Nothing like ending an amazing week with a tandem bike ride eh?

More.

"Theres nothing worse

than living less

when you yearn for something more"

-Bon Jovi

Harmonic connection between all beings.

I want to be able to write beautiful lyrics. I want to be able to play a beautiful melody on an instrument. I want to feel the passion I once did. I was queen of music, then I died. Dying seems to put a wrench in all of my plans. I planned to be a rockstar. I planned to play bass, and piano, and drums. I planned to be the girl with a guitar pick necklace and an ipod plugged into my ears 24/7. I planned to attend every show I possibly could. I planned to breathe, eat, sleep... just flat out live music. I guess I still do. The music still runs through my veins. I'm always listening. I'm always paying attention to the rhythm in everything. And shows, they will always be my favorite place. I just have to get out of the trees and remember its not too late to go on with my plans. I will be a rockstar. I will play the beautiful melody. I will have that guitar pick necklace. Because it's what I planned. And the real me follows through with my plans.

Captain.

limted?

How am I supposed to know what my limits are if I don't test them?

 

I need combat boots.

Change Pt. 2

Sick.

This week did not go as planned,

and its not getting better very quickly.

I hate pulling myself out of ruts like this.

I just would like to feel normal again,

and fast.

Because I feel weak and emotionless,

and I do not like it.

YouGotMe.

You.

Flick your cigarette and kiss me.

Her.

To see her is to love her,

And love her but forever,

For nature made her what she is,

And never made another.


-Robert Burns

Listen.

I doubt I'll ever forget this night.

Stand Strong and Defend the Divine Within You

Buds since we were munchikins

The monstrous swing 

that scared the living daylights out of me just looking at it,

but I did it anyway. 

Sasquatch?

Tarzan and Jane

I nearly died, but these girls got my back.

Toes?

Glitter toes.

I'm on a boat, a boat, a boat,

In the middle of the lake,

With my pals Brenna and Liz!

Sing it. It sounds better that way.

Hair whipper, learning to be like Mighty.

My young padawans.

We builded a fire.

I will never forget this week.